We Have Finally Assassinated the Terrorist Known As “Inspector Clouseau”
Good evening. I am proud to share with the assembled members of the Security Council in the room with me today, and everyone watching from around the world, that we have successfully ended the life of former Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau — the infamous French terrorist responsible for murdering hundreds of innocent members of the public, and destroying untold millions of dollars worth of private property.
For all the families of the British — or, sometimes, American — bystanders who tragically lost their lives, and to the owners of the countless vases, windows, and grand pianos that he heartlessly annihilated in his decades-long rampage, we are proud to finally declare: Justice has been done.
It was almost 48 years ago today that Mr. Clouseau brazenly and openly began his criminal career as an international jewel thief, stealing the Maharajah diamond from the Lugashian government. He claimed at the time that he had “accidentally” taken the diamond from the real criminal in the aftermath of a catastrophic car accident, while he was chasing two completely different men coincidentally wearing identical ape costumes. And, like fools, we not only believed his absurd story — we rewarded him for his “heroic” efforts, helping this psychotic narcissist maintain his upstanding reputation.
So, Clouseau evaded capture and went on to carry out an even more heinous crime: the gruesome Ballon massacre, a series of covert high-society murders staged to appear as if they were an elaborate series of pratfalls, accidents, and pillow fights. And, once again, just before Clouseau was to be arrested and executed for his crimes: a “true culprit” for every single one would be conveniently unveiled, just in the nick of time.
Mr. Clouseau went on to follow this exact modus operandi at least 7 more times. In one of his most successful schemes, for example, he would take on a new case, ingratiate himself to his targets, visit their home, and offer them a cup of tea. Then, he would touch the kettle while it was boiling hot, recoil in pain, stagger backwards, fall down three flights of stairs, land head-first into a brand new fishbowl, destroy a priceless marble sculpture while trying to “wrest himself free”, beg the lord of the manor for their assistance, then, as soon as they had gripped but the edge of the fishbowl: Mr. Clouseau would “suddenly” realize the fishbowl was affixed sideways and slip from his glass prison, causing his aide to stumble backwards, slip on one of the marbles Mr. Clouseau had lost earlier, and tumble backwards over a cliff face with a steep 300-metre drop, plummeting to their death.
Now, imagine this farce from the perspective of his poor victim. A new guest is staying in your manor — who, you’re told, is an esteemed detective singularly capable of proving your innocence. You invite him into your life — to stay the night, even. He begins to investigate your friends, your family. They’re untrusting. They think his accent sounds fake, and question the inconsistent internal logic of his choices. But he’s undeniably charming. He’s confident, he’s passionate about teaching your children the rules of marble toss, and his glances at your wife’s cleavage are fairly brief. He’s a good chap.
He offers to make you tea. You think nothing of it. Seconds later, you hear a steam valve burst, a yelp, several violent thuds, and your new friend is stumbling around in the foyer — his head completely ensconced in glass! You do what any decent man would try to do and immediately free him, only to have him immediately slip from your grasp. As you recover from the shock, you realise you’re tumbling backwards — and off the precipice of one of the most famous cliffs in England.
Murders like these were just one of Clouseau’s appalling crimes against humanity. But whether it was a large fall from a precipitous cliff, a trampling by an elephant, or a poison dart comically thrust from one man’s throat into another man’s heart by Clouseau’s intentionally inept execution of the famous Heimlich manoeuvre — too many innocent lives have been lost to Clouseau’s elaborate plotting.
So, tonight, we give thanks to the one man responsible for finally ending Clouseau’s slaughter: United States Navy SEAL Charles LaRousse Dreyfus.
Most citizens of the world will never see the many park benches, pole vaults or fireworks that Operator Dreyfus unilaterally destroyed in his tireless persuit. Thousands upon thousands of sticks of dynamite detonated, or anvils launched from catapults: all to no tactical end.
But, as soon as we ran Operator Dreyfus through basic boot camp and taught him how to operate an 1-Mk12 sniper rifle, he was able to almost immediately exterminate Mr. Clouseau from a distance of 1.1 miles. We can confirm Mr. Clouseau died immediately during an extremely comical attempt to simultaneously sautée a full pan of mushrooms whilst also driving his Citreon 2CV backwards along the Rochester Inner Loop. The snapback from the bullet piercing his skull caused his arm to recoil and fling the skillet out of his side window and onto the dinner table in the private quarters of a starving family, which reportedly caused the destitute father to comically erupt, “Well, I guess dinner is served!” The American military is proud that this successful operation is already directly improving the lives of everyday people.
The cause of securing our national security is not complete. Actually, wait, sorry, yes it is. I take that back. It is complete. Sorry, I misspoke. Tonight, we are reminded of what we can accomplish if we are persistent and audacious. And, for me — President Barack Obama — I’m willing to go out on a limb and say this won’t even be the most important thing I accomplish during my first term. I don’t wanna say “both terms” yet, though, in case I jinx it.
Okay, I’m getting the light. Thanks, everyone. May God bless you all. Thanks for tuning in. Let’s all bless the United States of America.
